Relationship; 400 Jokes
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!"
A lady at a nearby table overheard this and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
How to impress a woman:
Compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
tease her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
How to impress a man:
Show up naked,
Offer beer.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A man came home from work one day and his wife asked him to fix the toilet. The man says "who do i look like the plumber?" and never fixed it....
The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the garbage disposal. The man says "who do i look like a blad specialist?" and never fixed it....
The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the refrigerator. The man says "who do i look like the maytag repair man?" and never fixed it....
the man comes home the next day and his wife told him she hired someone to fix the fridge, someone to fix the garbage disposal, and someone to fix the toilet.
The man asks his wife "how much did it cost?" His wife says "i had to either bake them a cake or have sex with them." The man asks his wife "what kinda cake did you bake them?" the wife says "who do i look like Betty Crocker?"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care. I just came from the doctor and he says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 41-year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older. You are just getting better."
Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP.
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
Dazza is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day, when He
sees His Girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.
Dazza slams on the brakes and yells, "Shazza what in the Blazes d'ya think ya doin'?"
Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says,
"G'Day, Dazza.
You got me pregnant, so now I'm gunna kill meself".
Dazza gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
"Shazza", he says "Fair dinkum love, not only are ya a top root, but
you're a real sport too!"
and drives off
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older. You are just getting better."
Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP.
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)