Lawers and Legal; 128 Jokes
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
"You’re a cheat!" shouted the client to his lawyer. "You’re a scoundrel! You’ve kept me hanging for months and got rich on my case alone!"
"That’s gratitude," said the offended lawyer. "And right after I named my new yacht after you."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 10?
A lawyer.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 15?
Your honor.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."
The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"
The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
When asked, "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
Why is money green?
Because lawyers pick it up before it is ripe.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"
Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.
"Dad, listen," he shouted, "I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit."
"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)