Search Results for 'lawyer'
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
Some surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to opperate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and ass are interchangable."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!”
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”
She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn`t it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn`t hear the question.
"Isn`t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
"You’re a cheat!" shouted the client to his lawyer. "You’re a scoundrel! You’ve kept me hanging for months and got rich on my case alone!"
"That’s gratitude," said the offended lawyer. "And right after I named my new yacht after you."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 10?
A lawyer.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 15?
Your honor.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."
The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"
The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
When asked, "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)